Gray as Ash

My life was ruined by fairy tales. I watching disney movies and read a lot of good books! And they were all great. I absorbed them a little too well. I have a very vivid imagination and I think it made my childhood a wonderful world of play. Unfortunately, i created such a fantasty world, i've fooled myself into thinking the real world was the same. The happy endings, finding the princess, slaying the dragon, saving the day. All too cliche. But I was wholly convinced good always triumphed over evil. I would say high school was when it all started going down hill.
Not only just being more aware of the actual world, school started to change my perception. The reading began to show shades of gray. Everything wasn't so black and white. High school was just the beginning, I would say I was still able to find the good in the world, but started to see how everything didn't work out for the best. People had to make choices, and at times, the choices were destructive. 'Good' people making bad choices and 'Bad' people making good choices. Even that labeling was invalidated. Which is for the best, because labels are never good, but this was an invasion on my world. I was so unawares. I think one of the things that kept the fairy tale alive for me was my high school sweetheart. I was still able to convince myself that the good guy gets the girl, and there are still happy endings. The world can stay shaded, while I still carry the dream of a ahppy ending in my heart.
College was a rude awakening. It started with a broken heart and ended with a miserable exit. Everything in between is a big blur real. I went through a 'dark age' where punk music enticed me (that's about as dark as I got) I became jaded towards the institution, college, my education became the enemy. Fortunately for me, no matter how bad I felt it got I still had a strong network of family and friends to rely on. And really it was more of an attitude and view on life more than anything. Everything became so gray to the point it was bland. Nothing excited me, everything lost it's value. I didn't see life, love, happiness the same way. Considered it unattainable. Riding a teeter-totter of emotion i made it through 3 years of college. It getting progressively harder as i needed to prepare myself to face the real world. I cracked under the pressure and had to withdraw my first semester senior year. That was the bottom of the pit for me. Coming home helped, i was instantly removed from the pressure of school work and social expectations I was beginning to dread. It was still hard but I found more of a spark. I pretty much did nothing for 10 months, until I fell into AmeriCorps.
AmeriCorps is a fairy tale in itself. A new age fairy tale. One full of government bullshit and politically correctness.
AmeriCorps was in short amazing. Getting a chance to do the work I did, travel, and help everyone was such a huge lift. I will not trade any one of those months no matter how much I hated going through it at the time. Making the friends I did and seeing everything I did is an experience I would recommend to everyone and never relinquish. It restored my faith in goodness.
Since AmeriCorps I have bumbled around, trying to find my feet. And while I still am jaded towards fairy tales. I am also coming to terms with what it is to be 'good' and being a 'hero' I just want a taste of the glory days. Go back to a simpler time. Find some color is this drab world the took away my childhood. So, i plod through day for day looking for the happiness i dropped somewhere along the path. No breadcrumb trail, no fairy godmother, no princess charming. Just a blind search and a quest to become the man I want to and find the happily ever after...