Professional eating

Ok, so i'll post to show I'm serious about this blog.
Fist things first, Competitive eating is not a sport. Sure ESPN was showing it for a while. But at this point, ESPN will tryout anything after the unexpected, successful hit putting Poker on tv was. THey are looking for the next World Series. Sure eating 57 hotdogs in under an hour take some skill, but so does knitting.
So I'm going to write about some of my more impressive feats of eating.
I start out slow, beginning with the Quad Stacker. This really isn't that hard, but just the sounds of it makes it worse then it really is. IT's four patties of beef, four slices of cheese, and bacon on a bun. Every man's dream right? Yeah if it werne't sold at Burger King. I got the thing and looked like it belonged in a fat kid's happy meal. It was tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny. I think the burger patties were 1/16 lbs each. Any way, I'm a pig, I'll tell you more:
I've been in a pie eating contest, but that's not really all it's cracked up to be. It really is more disgusting than anything. IF you can cleanly eat a pie with your hands behind your back and blindfolded, I applaud you. But I think that's more of a spectator thing.
Quaker Steak & Lube has unlimited wings on tuesday. There wings are gooooooooooooood. Louisiana Lickers are my favorites, and frankly, that's the only flavor I can remember. But they have some other good ones. I haven't been in a while, I need to go. Even if it's not on a tuesday. Anyway, i was able to down 56 wings on one of my trips, and that nearly killed me. I ate over 4 dozen winfs in a sitting, ECCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKK. ANd just to look a little better, my friend he ate like 84. HE's kind of a monster when it comes to meat. His name: George Morrison. If you know him, you wouldn't be surprised.
I invented the Cheeseburger Hall of Fame during my years at taco bell. THis isn't about sheer quantity, this is all about instant impact. Buy a McDonald's cheeseburger and shove it all in your mouth at once. Then try to chew. It's not that tricky, but it does take a while to get through. This probably requires the most "skill" to accomplish in the sense, you pretty much have to have half the burger hanging out of your mouth while you chew the other half. Not a pretty site.
(This blog is becoming way to long for the subject matter)
I've done chubby bunny. Or maybe just tried to stuff a whole bunch of marshmallows in my mouth. I really thing I'm pretty good at this, but I've never competed. There is a picture floating around somewhere of a ton of marshmallows exploding from my mouth like a mushroom cloud. And also of me and some people attempting the cheeseburger hall of fame.
And now for my penultimate achievement, and if you have a weak stomach, you might want to sit this one out. The Wendy's $ 0.99 challenge. It goes like this, you buy 1 item of the classic 99 cent menu, and eat it as fast as you can. I recommend you put in a movie, a looooooooooooooong movie.
There are the items:

jr. bacon cheese burger
jr. cheeseburger deluxe
med. fries
small frosty
small soda
ceasar salad
garden salad
5 pc. chicken nuggets
baked potato (or as I like to refer to it as the "gutbuster")
chili


THe first time i did this, It took me one hour and 57 minutes. I was 2nd only to Ian who finished it in 1 hour and 53 minutes. Let me tell you, JT and Brandon wimped out. BUt by the end, I saved one of the burgers until last. I could taste each individual flavor, and I was just waiting to throw up. After suffering throught the burger I did a short dance of celebration and then immediately laid on the ground for about half and hour, where people thought it would be funny to poke me in the belly like i was the friggin' pilsbury dough boy.
The 2nd time was while I was in americorps, me and matt did it. Unfortunately, they didn't have baked potatos, so we had to substitute another batch of fries, which kind of devalues it, but i did finish in under an hour, which I am morbidly proud of. Matt did well, but he ended up throwing up, but he ate like a champ. And he's actually my food eating role model. He's pretty good at it.

So now that i've completely grossed you all out, who wants to do the 99 cent challenge, it's about that time of the year!