What is happening to me?

So, I don't know if it's because I"ve played too much softball over the last 7 months or if it's third shift, but I am exhausted. This goes beyond just being tired. My entire upperbody just feels worn, on a daily basis. I'm not excited because it's affecting how/when I sleep, and really throwing my schedule off. I am in an all out war to catch sleep when I can, but sometimes, that means I don't wake up for class. Which really hurts. Some days are better than others, but I wish I could foresee an end to it, but I really think it's going to be like this. If I continue on this scheudle, I could feel like tihs for 2+ years??? Whoa! I don't know if I am ready for that. Maybe, it's just been my non-stop schedule. I think Winter Break will help clear up some of the mystery. But it's just kind of disconcerting how i feel. No me gusta!
i need to read more. I sit around, and pass my idle time watching mindless tv. Just because it doesn't involve thought. One thing I do too much of is Waste my time. Through it away on stuff that isn't really going to better myself. For the short timeI should up for the Leisure Studies class, we talked about the value of actually doing nothing. Stuff with very little benefit to the person: I do not really know the ultimate verdict, but I feel, if it doesn't have any value, then why do it? Or, why am I still watching tv/playing video games if I feel they don't have much value?
Does anyone have an extra $10,000 they want to give me? Cause I could do a lot with that.
I can't wait for softball to end! I know that doesn't sound like me, but I really enjoy the extra time to travel! I already have trips to columbus and new york planned. Who knows where else I might end up? It'll depend partly on the budget, and partly what I decide for my future. I remember last november being a blast! I was traveling all over the place.
I also hope to throw a killer Christmas party again at the new place, but I need the support of my roommates, so come closer to the date, i'll have to figure that one out. Hopefully all the street cred I developed from last year will pay off and will get just as many people if not more.

when will I be who I want to be?

Monday reminded me of how good my weekend was

Yeah, so this is not a good day. Work was rough and tiring, and then I had to catch a few Zs and then wake up in time for Math Lab. Needless to say I left the house in a hurry, was ready to take a nap driving on the shoreway, and had a miserable time trying to command the computer to do what I wanted. And I have to come back another day and finish up and clean it up, ready for turning it in. yuck yuck yuck!
Had some fun over the weekend, friday got to meet soem new people at a halloween party! That was fun! PLayed Apples to Apples, which is a great game, especially with people you don't know well. And watched a scary movie, I'm kind of a wimp when it comes to that, but this one didn't get me. It all goes back to watching Little Shop of Horrors when I was six, and having nightmares about that plant for about 10 years. It didn't help I have a very vivid imagination.
Saturday was fantastic! I ran around getting stuff for my swing dancing 'costume' but it's mroe of an outfit that I would wear again, so I don't like to use the word costume. I am going to try to post pics of us on myspace, but I have to get them from someone with a digital camera! We had a lot of fun, and Madison Crawl, the band was phenomenal. You should look into them if you get the chance.
Sunday, was lay-on-my-ass day. Watched the Browns win one FINALLY! It was an intense game towards the end, shoulda never been that close. And it closed with $ 0.99 hot fudge sundaes from malley's! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH those are good. And got to hang out with the gang some more.
But I always get into trouble on sundays, because I always just lay around and don't actually sleep at all. So, come monday morning, i'm exhausted and don't want to get up. If i'm going to miss class, it'll probably be on a monday. But i really try not to, especially when it's Lab. Although, I think my group ditched me, which is understandable, because the communication hasn't really been there. And that's always a problem I run into in school. For some reason I just can't successful make connections to work on stuff with people. It doesn't help that I'm working such a funky schedule and have limited resources.
This is a terrible blog, but that's what is going on! And I need to sleep now!
i hope to post a better one in the coming days!

Funy things that happened to me that I can remember and may or may not be made fun of for

I called time out during a baseball game when I was 10 so I could go to the bathroom. Whoa, too much info!

My mom has both a) Stabbed me with a fork and drew blood and b) picked me up, spun me around and bodyslammed me. I have witnesses for both!

My older sister was babysitting me and she trimmed my toe nails. She took of my entire baby toenail. I have never been able to forgive her, and it must have be traumatic because I remember it and I think I was likw 4 at the time.

I wasn't looking where I was going, kind of watching my feet and I ran into a telephone pole. This was freshman year of college.

I use to think the start of Brown-eyed girl was "Hey Rodrigo" where did the Spanish guy come from??

I once bleached my hair blonde

I was dancing around on a kitchen floor, and completely slipped fell on my ass. You would have to ask my americorps friends for a replay on that one.

I tend to say crazy stuff in my sleep when I eat Taco Bell before I go to bed

This is a lot shorter than I can remember. I am missing a lot from high school! But if you happen to remember an embarassing time I had, go ahead and post it! ( i might regret that later)

I have a terrifying fear of being embarassed!

π

Good news! I got a 95/100 on my sociology exam. WIth the free 6 points she was handing out that brings the tally up to 101. Hot damn! The sad part is i really feel like i don't deserve it. I didn't do the work, i missed some classes, and I was willing to accept whatever a last minute cram would get me. I don't know how or why, but it got me an A. A similar thing happen on my math test. I don't know what to say, maybe just accept it and vow to try harder?? Either way, right now, i am doing well in my classes. Good for me!
I am a big fan of the Onion. FOr some reason I've always had an affinity for stuff like that, fake news or twists on real news to make them hilarious. I'm also a big fan of the special sections, always reading the horroscopes and infographics. Overall it's pretty well done, and you can find some gems in the archives. I wish I could remember who introduced me to the Onion, because I need to thank them for it. I haven't stayed up to date with it as much as I used to, but there's usually a good read if you are ever feeling down.
This weekend should be blast. Toledo on Friday, then Cedar Point on Sarturday. A lot of driving, but it'll all be worth it in the long run. Definitely a unique group headed to cedar point, not so much the regulars as more of a chance to chat up some people I don't get to see so much. I am hoping that the miserable weather today = no softball tonight. I seem to be trying to avoid it more and more. Not necessarily avoid it, but I am ready for a break. I need the off season to come so my body to rest up (no, it's not that rigorous, I am just outta shape) And also the opportunity to do stuff with more free time. Maybe my homework, probably a lot more weekend travels. And who knows what else. Will I actually start bagpiping again. It would help if I had a place where I Could be loud. BUt I don't. And I need more music! AN instructor would help. Ayiyiyi! I want to be good at it, but i haven't created that opportunity. I put it off.
I could go for some basketball, alas, too much time and i just can't make that commitment. LAst year, I enjoyed even though there was a lot I hated about it. A LOT! I am terrible at basketball, i will never be on a championship basketball team unless I am logging 0 minutes. Or I am a mop up for blowouts, so our stars don't get hurt.
I am trying to push for a dress up night at Swing dancing on OCt. 28. Like real swing dancers from the 20s or 40s or whenever. I am thinking suspenders and a fancy hat will be my look. I've been trying to find photos online but there are limited resources. That might be because of my limited knowledge of using search engines. It's always fun to play dress up. THere's just something about trying to look good that boosts the ego, even if you don't. Atleast you can pretend in your little land of make believe. I've been told I "clean up" nice. And I've determined after an intensive scientific study, that I set the standard so low with how I usually dress and maintain my hair/looks that I probably look 100 times better just by taking a shower. Gross, I know! I wanna be a supermodel.
I want a laptop to call my own. One of those things, I can find 100 reasons to have, but know that i won't get my money's worth. Unless I actually went into film production. I try to think of having one and doing stuff on my own. But I think I would feel stupid making movies for no reason. I guess maybe the humorous stuff I could put on youtube and want not. But even more serious stuff. I would want to do, i feel weird carrying around a photo camera let alone a video camera. I don't want to be that guy, but I would have to be. Just have to! So the debate goes on. Oh did I menton i don't have the money for it. BUt in a world of endless credit......
Does anyone else see photos of themselves and just go "That's what I look like" Here I'm not saying is much in a bad, low self esteem sense. I think what happens is you see the photograph and it's missing what you are use to. That first person view, I also attribute it to 'stream of conciousness' even when you look in a mirrow and see yourself, you are not isolated from your thoughts. So a photograph is going to be the closest you get to knowing how others perceive you. So maybe it's a bad thing that when I look at photographs of myself I see this completely foreign object??
How do you open up to people. I want to b open and honest and share my thoughts (all of which I do fairly well hear, if you consider not talking about anything important in that category) But i still feel like i hold stuff back always, i prevent myself from making any deep connection. And I don't know how to fix that. This is more than just like boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. This is just that awesome relationship you can have with another person where it's like you are on the same wavelength. That understanding, i think i am very defensive about my emotions and thoughts. I am terrible at defending the way I think, but I don't think that makes me wrong. I could be, but it doesn't help that even when I am right, I look wrong.
There are more of my musings. I'll stop here, although I do feel like turning this into a marathon. Just keep going until i have no more. I'll be back soon though! I promise

Social Commentary

Here are my thoughts on some recent happenings, some funny, some not so much:

So the announcer cheering on the brawl at the Miama/FIU game. Yeah, big moron. I can't say he deserves to get fired, but it shows you his level of bias and complete disregard for the profession sitting there cheering on the brawl, talking about "getting in the elevator" and going to join them. "No one comes into our house" A) he's obviously still living some college fantasy about his playing days b) is he still enrolled at the university of miami?? c) who can honestly condone an all out brawl. Senseless violence, sure it's entertaining, but that guy needs to get over his football playing days. He kind of reminds me of Uncle Rico from Napolean Dynamite.
YouTube has the fight on demand

Ok, before I felt everything was under control. North Korea testing a nuke, big deal, but no real threat, just trying to get a little respect. Someone has middle child complex. Trust me I know it when I see it. But, now, the North Korean Government is saying that the sanctions the U.S. are demanding is hostile action.

After the resolution was passed in the Security Council, North Korean representative Pak Gil Yon said that his country "totally rejects the unjustifiable resolution" and vowed that if the United States increases "pressure upon the Democratic Peoples of the Republic of Korea persistently, the DPRK will continue to take physical countermeasures, considering it as a declaration of war.

That scares me. How quickly they want to respond to just a UN resolution as an act of war. THey seem to have their trigger finger ready to push that button. I am hoping the more powerful countries located in close proximity to North Korea wise up.

300,000,000 people in the United States. WOW! ONly 37 more years and we'll have another 100,000,000 people. I am hoping to contribute a large percentage of those new Americans. Where should I start?
A fact they are throwing around a lot is that the United States has the highest birth rate in the developed countries. Well this whole Sociology og the Third World class has offered some perspective. 2/women, not too shabby where you most likely have the resources to raise the youngins, and if for some reason you have trouble, there are a slew of social services that most take for granted. I don't have facts and figures to throw around about the 3rd world, but honestly, I think that this landmark occassion isn't time to sit and think "Is America getting too big for it's britches?" How about we start looking at the rising populations throughout the world and consider the problems that could arise from that. Now is not the time to be getting introspective as a nation!
On another note, I occassionally ponder how I would handle being a vegetarian. (I could never do vegan) I have to tell you though, when I get a jonesing for a burger, I was it as greasy and unhealthy as them come. Hence the extra pounds I carry. I could never go full on vegetarian. I could do without red meat (not saying it would be easy) I would probably try either fish only diet or fish and white meat. I have no problem with killing animals for food. Now, i do believe there is some truth to the meat industry being out of control and that animals stockpiled in confined spaces eating dead animals remains to survive, that is wrong. But, taking old Betsy out to pasteur and making meal outta her. I'm all for! I couldn't kill an animal myself. Too much compassion, but I believe other people can. Hunting, not my cup of tea, but yeah, it's good. Ohhh so I'm rambling. My point was if I were to go vegetarian or redmeatless, i would be more persuaded by the fact that South American countries continue to raise cattle for beef to sell to the United States even though they are starving and are poor countries regardless of their exports. The human side will get me everytime. I would have to do some more research, but for real, the stuff I am finding out in this class is pretty depressing.
That's all I'll bore you with. I just wanted to change pace and bring a different angle than my constant complaining and deep philosophical questions.

I bid you adieu

mike² (mīk) n.

So a lot of people want to know who am I? are why are they here? And I am no exception. I feel, i am constantly searching for definition. What do I believe about God, religion, the soul. Is there a greater force controlling my actions? What do I believe about who I am? and what control do I have over that? I feel I can't really be happy until I am at peace with myself. More in touch with my thoughts and emotions. What do I want to be when I grow up? (Am I grown up yet??) Most of these questions derive from an overwhelming sense of purpose. A purpose that as of yet is not being fulfilled. Am I waiting for that dare to be great moment? IS waiting for that dare to be great moment just a way of delaying putting the building blocks of a strong foundation for something big? Can I just definie myself. Can I say THIS is who I am, and this is how it will be. Or will that just eventually give way to my constant thinking that there is something else I should be doing.
I don't know how to define myself. I feel over the last 2-3 years I've found a lot out about myself. Mainly, about how I interact with other people. And through that I've found out a little more of what I value, what I believe and what is important to me. I have an incredibly strong tie to my family. Maybe not the best relationship with them, or people in it. But that does not keep me from helping them when they need it, and just generally trying to be there for them. The other thing that I think maybe most inportant is Respect. I think people deserve respect until they do or show something about themsevles that says I don't want your respect. I'm sure I could write a novel on that, but my main point is, if people don't respect others, they aren't going to get my respect.
I still have a lot of big issues. A lot of these issues surround what I want to do with my life. My job sucks, I don't like it, I do not want to be doing it for more than another year. I am going back to school to pursue a math degree, but I don't know waht I'd do with a math degree when I get it. So how or where do I find the definition of who I want to be and what I want to become? Well, if I had that answer I might be able to help other people find it. But I don't. The other conflict that comes in for me is, do I fear defining myself. Do I want to put those limitations on myself. Because once I am defined, can I be anything else? How fluid will the definition be? I know even with in a lifetime there is an evolution going on. I am evolving as I continue throughout my life. But I'm having trouble defining the evolution, or seeing where it will take me. I even have control over my own evolution, choosing what education I partake in, and also, what activities and events I participate in in my free time. For example, I feel the evolution that continuing swing dancing would be more valuable then spending that time playing video games. Little things like that. Or opposed to playing softball, would volunteering my time somewhere to help an organization help me evolve into the person I most want to be?
So, if you count the number of question marks in this blog you can only begin to see where my thought processes take me through out any given day. Well, aslong as I'm not doing homework or I've shut my mind of by watching tv. I don't have answers to these questions, and I continue to seek for them, but I guess what I'm more worried about is what will I do when I find the answers. Or have I been ignoring answers?? I need to find some sort of philosophy that recognizes the changes in ones life through different time periods, more focused on events in life then definite time frames. Because you are definied by the events and experiences of your life. You could feel 45 years old at the age of 15 or 21 years old at 60.
Who am I?

the clock is ticking

i am playing russion roulette with the parking meter. I wanted to try this cool mobile campus laptop loan that CSU has. So I had to go through the whole process of signing up and them taking all of my information so they can send the mafia after me in case anything happens to the laptop that I borrow. Well, i didn't really thing about the fact that i have anywhere from 15-35 minutes left on the parking meter!! aye! So I will feel kind of dumb when I take the computer back 15 minutes after borrowing. Should have just waited in the computer lab.
Anyway, i am jacked! Because I think i did well on my math test. Which would be insane! I jotted down some notes so I could double check the answers with the right formulas. So, we'll see how accurate my answers were. When I feel this confident, it usually means I am wrong. It's been the theme throughout my life. The moment i start getting cocky...... There the humble bus waiting to run me over. So, i try to keep myself humble, even though I 'm wrapped up in this amazing package. Ummmmm... just kidding
I hope you laugh at that as hard as I am
the weekend is here.
beginning of a game plan: Sleep!
But first I have to swing by the rents to get dibs on "Crockpot Lasagna" It's a legend in our house, and doesn't last long. My mom makes it because A) it's a crowd pleaser and B) it's so easy to make. She's actually gained some of her sanity that she lost raising four kids because of this recipe.
After the nap, it's pretty much a crapshoot. Guess it kind of depends on what phone calls I field. I"m not feeling inspired to come up with anything to do. THat usually means I'm at home watching crummy friday night tv, by myself, staring at my phone. Luckily that hasn't happened that recently.
I can almost hear them writing the parking ticket now.
I had a new name/theme for my blog, but i always forget it when I sign on to see that huge greeting "avoid going... blah blah blah" I know you guys are sick of it already. It does carry some weight with me. It's why I enjoy spontaneity. That is the cure for just about everything! I might make some random crazy phone calls on the way home, because talking on your cell phone and driving is dangerous AND I WANT TO LIVE ON THE EDGE!
so maybe you'll get a call, maybe you won't!

is it your lucky day?

I could go in a million different directions right now, i can't keep up with my brain lately. I think it's from a lack of sleep. I've got my first test tomorrow, so sleep will have to wait. I might have a test today in class, but I am not sure. That would be muy malo! MUY MALO! I can do well on my test tomorrow, but I need to prepare well, and frankly, I don't know how. And when my test is over, i will celebrate somehow. if you are interested in being part of this celebration, let me know By the way, i am taking the day off from softball to prepare for this test. Those who know, knows what that mean.
The weekend is coming the weekend is coming. Gotta help move some people, softball is on the schedule, other then that, I got nada. Nada. I don't know what to do. I want to know. I guess I have some options. I've been using the swing dancing thing alot. That is ALWAYS fun. My mom is hosting an interesting party. An Akeelah and the Bee party. I want to go, but I don't. I mean hanging around with everyone, eating laughing, all good things. But i couldn't sit through that movie in that situation. I would have too much energy. I am interested in the movie, i would almost prefer to read the book. But being around that many people (mostly family) would energize me, and I just couldn't contain myself.
i went to a phenomenal restaurant yesterday........by myself. What a loser. I had to though. I wanted to go that bad. It's called Melt, and believe me it was worth it. It's "gourmet grilled cheese" but in short that just means paninis. VERY VERY GOOD PANINIS. Try it, it just opened on Sept 22nd and is already getting rave reviews. The one downside is: it's a small establishment and is always packed. but i hear they are working on that.
i like using CAPS today t emphasize my points. Not sure why, maybe I feel I'll get my point across. extra EMPHASIS
i want to be a superhero, the show heroes , it's pretty good. Brings back a lot of childhood dreams of having superpowers. Alas, i am welcomed to the cold reality, the world isn't black and white, good vs. evil, just a whole lot of gray. That's probably one revelation that ruined me. Someday I will find it.
Ummm yes, I am applying for the position of Protector of the world. If you notice, I have extensive background in emergency crisis management (redundancy also adds emphasis) I can errrrrrrrrr.... fly, turn invisible, and make a mean grilled cheese sandwich. What?? What?? people gotta eat! (i'll expect the check in the mail, Rally's)
So if you haven't determined how I go from point A to point Z, don't ask, because I'm not sure myself. And there are times when i feel absolutely insane. Like I know I like to be funny, and I feel randomness can be pretty funny, but some of the stuff I say, i seriously wonder where the hell it came from. It's especially noticeable when I try to make a joke and just get blank stares or no response. Ouch! Check this guy into the mental institution .
cedar point weekend should be a blast, i am looking forward to it. I'm hoping to play poker at St. Marks next weekend, but i have not gotten any more info from mi padre. And if you haven't noticed I want to speak spanish.
i need to call more people and catch up.
and this journey is over, see you all next week!

I can't win with the red cross

Hey,

So i didn't get the jump, i needed, but yesterday was good. I actually went to class! Yay me! I had more free food compliments of CSU, hung out with Liz at the engineering thing that put the who to do on, and got to play catch.
It was rather disappointing when I went to donate blood. Liz was donating, and I haven't donated since MAy 1st, so I am way behind. So i went to be a walk-in. It was deadsville, so no problem. However, I was rejected for the 2nd time. This would have been my 8th pint (through the red cross, I have 2 pints donated through an organization in California) So I was ready to be a gallon donor. But, i have 2 tiny, microscopic pimples in the "stick area" or whatever it's called. And, so the nurse consulted the head honcho, and he confimed I would be unable to donate. Now, i am not happy, i hate not being able to donate over such a minor thing. THe are in a blood crisis, and these two itty bitty tihngs are preventing me from donating. I would understand better if it were something major. A serious problem with my health, or somewhere I've traveled, or something, but C'MON!!
I have actually donated before with similar small blemishes there, but the nurses recoznized they wouldn't be a problem. They haven't before. If you ask my brother what happen the first time i got rejected, he would not give a favorable report. Call me weak, but I nearly cried. I guess donating blood is one of the few things I take very seriously and am proud to do. I was so frustrated and out of it, that I nearly sideswipped someone trying to drive home. Ohhhhhhhhh my brother would not let me live that down.
I was able to keep my composure, but I think it was blatantly obviously I was not happy. ANd all i can do is just sit there while the nurse finishes up the paperwork, and she apologizes, and I know it's not her fault, so I don't want to take my frustration out on her. So instead I took 2 packs of cheese and peanut butte crackers instead of just one, because the owed me. So, hopefully my arms will clear up in the next two weeks. I don't event hink there's anything I can really do about it. Except just wait it out. So sorry if you need a blood transfusion in the next couple of months or so. I wish I could of helped, but I wasn't allowed

Very concise

Sometimes i feel like a dead car battery, just hook up the cables and give me a jump start