mike² (mīk) n.

So a lot of people want to know who am I? are why are they here? And I am no exception. I feel, i am constantly searching for definition. What do I believe about God, religion, the soul. Is there a greater force controlling my actions? What do I believe about who I am? and what control do I have over that? I feel I can't really be happy until I am at peace with myself. More in touch with my thoughts and emotions. What do I want to be when I grow up? (Am I grown up yet??) Most of these questions derive from an overwhelming sense of purpose. A purpose that as of yet is not being fulfilled. Am I waiting for that dare to be great moment? IS waiting for that dare to be great moment just a way of delaying putting the building blocks of a strong foundation for something big? Can I just definie myself. Can I say THIS is who I am, and this is how it will be. Or will that just eventually give way to my constant thinking that there is something else I should be doing.
I don't know how to define myself. I feel over the last 2-3 years I've found a lot out about myself. Mainly, about how I interact with other people. And through that I've found out a little more of what I value, what I believe and what is important to me. I have an incredibly strong tie to my family. Maybe not the best relationship with them, or people in it. But that does not keep me from helping them when they need it, and just generally trying to be there for them. The other thing that I think maybe most inportant is Respect. I think people deserve respect until they do or show something about themsevles that says I don't want your respect. I'm sure I could write a novel on that, but my main point is, if people don't respect others, they aren't going to get my respect.
I still have a lot of big issues. A lot of these issues surround what I want to do with my life. My job sucks, I don't like it, I do not want to be doing it for more than another year. I am going back to school to pursue a math degree, but I don't know waht I'd do with a math degree when I get it. So how or where do I find the definition of who I want to be and what I want to become? Well, if I had that answer I might be able to help other people find it. But I don't. The other conflict that comes in for me is, do I fear defining myself. Do I want to put those limitations on myself. Because once I am defined, can I be anything else? How fluid will the definition be? I know even with in a lifetime there is an evolution going on. I am evolving as I continue throughout my life. But I'm having trouble defining the evolution, or seeing where it will take me. I even have control over my own evolution, choosing what education I partake in, and also, what activities and events I participate in in my free time. For example, I feel the evolution that continuing swing dancing would be more valuable then spending that time playing video games. Little things like that. Or opposed to playing softball, would volunteering my time somewhere to help an organization help me evolve into the person I most want to be?
So, if you count the number of question marks in this blog you can only begin to see where my thought processes take me through out any given day. Well, aslong as I'm not doing homework or I've shut my mind of by watching tv. I don't have answers to these questions, and I continue to seek for them, but I guess what I'm more worried about is what will I do when I find the answers. Or have I been ignoring answers?? I need to find some sort of philosophy that recognizes the changes in ones life through different time periods, more focused on events in life then definite time frames. Because you are definied by the events and experiences of your life. You could feel 45 years old at the age of 15 or 21 years old at 60.
Who am I?